How Do You Handle Your Dick?
As a younger person, it's sometimes hard to avoid dicks. There are dicks everywhere: school, church, the neighborhood...
As I have grown older (wiser?) I have decided that I don't like dicks. Yes, this revelation will come as a surprise to some people that know me, but I have taken a stand: I will do whatever possible to eliminate dicks from my life.
It's worked out pretty well for the most part. When I encounter a dick, I put up my dick shield, a human condom if you will, and simply refuse to engage in any activity that will include the dick. I won't work with dicks; I won't work for dicks; I won't socialize with dicks. Why haven't I come to all your parties? Because you're a dick. Why won't I ride my bike with you? Because you're a dick.
Unfortunately, every now and then you are faced with a dick that you just can't chop out of your life, a dick you are forced to take.
Recently, I found myself in the position have having to spend time with a dick. I did my best to avoid the dick and to interact with the dick as little as possible, but one of the many things that suck about dicks is that they always seem to expose themselves to you in some way, to spray their dickness all over you.
I was in a quandry. I couldn't elude the dick. So I did what every mature, 40 year-old man would do. I struck back.
I found myself alone in the dick's quarters (purely by accident, I swear). Right there before me, splayed open for the whole world to see, was a small, tough sack that contained the dick's toiletries. Poking out of the top of the sack was a stick with bristles on it, known in the dental community as a TOOTH BRUSH. I turned to leave the room, but was overtaken by an irrepressible urge. I returned to the sack and picked up the bristled stick and briefly but furiously scrubbed my taint with the bristles. Then, for good measure, introduced the bristles to Mr. Brown Eye. With only a slight pang of guilt, I returned the stick to the sack and slunk off, snickering to myself.
Who's the dick now, dick?
Does Membership Have Its Privileges?
I just went to Sam’s Club. Yes, it’s pretty white trash, but somehow it feels less trashy than an ordinary Wal-Mart because a membership is required.
Even though I’ve been there many times an usually know exactly what I want and where to go to get it, I still find myself getting mentally lost in the huge amount of crap that is available, and the fact that because it’s packaged in bulk, you somehow feel like you are getting a deal.
Today, I wisked through, grabbed what I needed, and waited. And waited. And waited. There are about 20 other “members” who also decided to go to Sam’s to save money and waste time during their lunch hour. I guess this is a new business trend, because the 2 cashiers at Sam’s just were not cutting it.
Finally, I was checked out, only to find myself waiting in another freaking line, behind the same 20 members. This time, though, we are waiting to have our receipts compared to the contents of our shopping baskets. I had 6 items in my basket, but the people in fornt of me are apparently more into saving money, b/c they all have mounds of groceries and other crap in the carts and/or flat beds. As I wait, feeling myself getting more and more impatient, I watch as the grocery-cart-checker-outer studies the receipt, glances at the cart, then back to the receipt, then, using the sharpie in her hand, pokes at the air as though actually counting each item in the cart.
Rain Man doesn’t count toothpicks that fast, and if they did, they would be in Vegas counting cards, not in freaking Irving, Texas, counting the 6 items in my shopping cart!
I contemplated just walking out with my goods. I studied the exit for signs that listed the store’s policy on being inventoried before leaving the building but could find none. Dare I be such a dick that I buck the system? And what would I do if confronted? Surrender my membership?
My foot started to pick itself up off the ground. I was going to do it! I was going to walk out! I was going to be a Huge Phallus!
But then my foot returned itself to its place on the linoleum tile floor, and I waited with the rest of the herd for the Idiot Savant that can count my 6 items without even looking at them.
Sorry, Jim: I had tpo speel check
Is it Bad Karma to Point Out Someone Else's Bad Karma?
Tony Snow's abdominal growth cancerousWhite House spokesman, colon cancer survivor, underwent surgery Monday
The Associated Press
Updated: 9:39 a.m. CT March 27, 2007
WASHINGTON - Presidential spokesman Tony Snow's surgery to remove a small growth showed that his cancer has returned, the White House said Tuesday.
Snow, 51, had his entire colon removed in 2005 and underwent six months of chemotherapy after being diagnosed with colon cancer. A small growth was discovered last year in his lower right pelvic area, and after months of monitoring, tests now show that it has grown slightly. It was removed Monday.
Doctors determined that it was cancerous, and found during the surgery, which was exploratory, that his cancer had metastasized, or spread, to his liver, White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said.
She said Snow is comfortable and feeling fine after his surgery and has pledged to aggressively fight the disease with an as-yet-to-be-determined chemotherapy treatment course. He will be in the hospital recovering from the surgery, a major procedure, for about a week.
"He said he's going to beat it again," Perino said in an emotional morning briefing with White House reporters. "When I talked to him, he was in very good spirits."
Snow spoke with President Bush early Tuesday to deliver the news.
"It is hard news for us," Perino said. "President and Mrs. Bush and the whole White House team has him in our prayers."
Initial reports
Blood tests and a PET imaging scan had come back negative for cancer. Snow had announced Friday that he had opted to have the growth removed "out an aggressive sense of caution."
It is unclear if or when Snow will return to his duties. Perino, the White House's deputy press secretary, is leading the news briefings in his absence. She said she talked with him Tuesday morning and "he was helping me with talking points," said Perino, who broke into tears when she announced Snow's condition.
Perino said Snow also gave her some instructions to pass on to reporters: "Tell them not to bug me." He also thanked reporters and others for the outpouring of good wishes he has received.
Snow and his wife, Jill, have three young children.
The news came less than a week after Elizabeth Edwards, wife of Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, announced that her breast cancer has returned in an incurable, but treatable, form. The couple decided that her husband's campaign will go forward nonetheless.
© 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17813246/
Where'd You Learn to Peel an Orange Like That?
Call Them by Their Real Names: Frauds
Bono, Preacher on Poverty, Tarnishes Halo With Irish Tax Move
By Fergal O'Brien
Oct. 16 (Bloomberg) -- Bono, the rock star and campaigner against Third World debt, is asking the Irish government to contribute more to Africa. At the same time, he's reducing tax payments that could help fund that aid.
After Ireland said it would scrap a break that lets musicians and artists avoid paying taxes on royalties, Bono and his U2 bandmates earlier this year moved their music publishing company to the Netherlands. The Dublin group, which Forbes estimates earned $110 million in 2005, will pay about 5 percent tax on their royalties, less than half the Irish rate.
``Among the wealthiest people I suppose it's the norm,'' Jill Cassidy, 23, said on South King Street near a plaque marking the site of Dublin's Dandelion market, where U2 played some of its earliest concerts. ``In U2's position, it does come across as quite hypocritical.''
The tax move has tainted the image of Bono, nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, and U2 at home. Now promoting a new DVD, book and album, the band is fighting back. Lead guitarist David Evans, known as The Edge, earlier this month defended the publishing company's move as a sensible decision for a group that makes 90 percent of its money outside Ireland.
``Our business is a very complex business,'' Evans said Oct. 2 on Dublin radio station Newstalk, breaking the band's silence after weeks of public criticism. ``Of course we're trying to be tax-efficient. Who doesn't want to be tax-efficient?''
As residents of Ireland, members of U2 remain liable for personal income taxes. Any Irish-based companies they control will pay taxes on their profits.
`Poor Example'
Principle Management, U2's management company, declined to comment when Bloomberg asked for a statement from Bono.
Dublin-born Bono has been mentioned as a candidate for Nobel Peace Prize since 2003. The Norwegian Nobel Committee on Oct. 13 awarded the 2006 prize to Bangladeshi banker Muhammad Yunus and Grameen Bank for advancing social and economic development by giving loans to the poor.
Bono, 46, has toured Africa, established the pressure group Debt AIDS Trade Africa and become one of the most vocal supporters of the Make Poverty History campaign. In July 2005, he helped persuade world leaders to double aid for Africa to $50 billion a year by 2010 and erase the debt of the 18 poorest countries on the continent.
``I can see no connection between what he is doing and Make Poverty History,'' said Richard Murphy, a director at U.K.-based Tax Research Ltd. and author of a book called ``Money Matters: Artist's Financial Guide.'' ``He is setting a poor example by his tax affairs.''
`Creative' Income
At a concert last year in Croke Park, Dublin's biggest stadium, Bono appealed to Prime Minister Bertie Ahern to raise overseas aid to 0.7 percent of gross national product by 2007 from 0.5 percent now. The crowd responded by booing Ahern.
The political catcalls have now turned on Bono, whose real name is Paul Hewson.
``It seems odd, in a situation where they enjoy an already favorable tax regime, they would move operations to the Netherlands to get an even more favorable rate,'' said Joan Burton, finance spokeswoman for the opposition Labour Party.
For years, Bono and U2 got a better deal than most Irish taxpayers because songwriters paid no tax on earnings from music publishing. That will change next year, when Ireland limits the tax exemption, which also applies to writers and artists. From Jan. 1, artists that make more than 500,000 euros ($625,450) will pay tax on half their ``creative'' income, according to Ireland's Revenue Authority.
Remaining in Ireland would have forced Bono to pay a 42 percent tax on such earnings. Alternatively, the band could have channeled profits through a company to pay the 12.5 percent corporation tax.
Millennium Goals
Wealthy individuals have put about $11.5 trillion in tax havens around the world, according to a 2005 paper by the London- based Tax Justice Network. Unpaid taxes on those assets could amount to $255 billion, the paper said.
``That's five times the amount needed to achieve the Millennium Development Goals, which Bono says he's really interested in,'' Murphy said, referring to a United Nations plan to eradicate poverty and combat the spread of AIDS. ``My answer is, put your money where your mouth is.''
Some fans accept the band's explanation of its tax planning because U2 has been generous in the past.
``They've paid plenty of money up to now,'' said Peter Cooper, 58, who lives in Bray, near Bono's home in Dalkey. ``I think they are quite right'' to move the company abroad.
Paul McGuinness, the band's manager, said in the Oct. 4 issue of the music magazine Hot Press that Ireland itself had benefited from low taxes. The country's 12.5 percent profit tax - - half the European Union average -- has helped Ireland lure investment from companies such as Intel Corp. and Dell Inc.
That reasoning has done little to help Bono ease criticism of the tax move.
``I don't think it's justified,'' said Sean Lynch, a 28- year-old artist. ``Social conscience is the thing I would like to address to them.''
Please, Dude, Leave The Makeup On
You'd expect a guy that is better known for what he looks like dressed up for Halloween than any other day of the year to purse his lips.
