How Do You Handle Your Dick?
As a younger person, it's sometimes hard to avoid dicks. There are dicks everywhere: school, church, the neighborhood...As I have grown older (wiser?) I have decided that I don't like dicks. Yes, this revelation will come as a surprise to some people that know me, but I have taken a stand: I will do whatever possible to eliminate dicks from my life.
It's worked out pretty well for the most part. When I encounter a dick, I put up my dick shield, a human condom if you will, and simply refuse to engage in any activity that will include the dick. I won't work with dicks; I won't work for dicks; I won't socialize with dicks. Why haven't I come to all your parties? Because you're a dick. Why won't I ride my bike with you? Because you're a dick.
Unfortunately, every now and then you are faced with a dick that you just can't chop out of your life, a dick you are forced to take.
Recently, I found myself in the position have having to spend time with a dick. I did my best to avoid the dick and to interact with the dick as little as possible, but one of the many things that suck about dicks is that they always seem to expose themselves to you in some way, to spray their dickness all over you.
I was in a quandry. I couldn't elude the dick. So I did what every mature, 40 year-old man would do. I struck back.
I found myself alone in the dick's quarters (purely by accident, I swear). Right there before me, splayed open for the whole world to see, was a small, tough sack that contained the dick's toiletries. Poking out of the top of the sack was a stick with bristles on it, known in the dental community as a TOOTH BRUSH. I turned to leave the room, but was overtaken by an irrepressible urge. I returned to the sack and picked up the bristled stick and briefly but furiously scrubbed my taint with the bristles. Then, for good measure, introduced the bristles to Mr. Brown Eye. With only a slight pang of guilt, I returned the stick to the sack and slunk off, snickering to myself.
Who's the dick now, dick?
posted by daveed @ 10.7.07
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