Snot Faced Kids
I usually reserve that label for the neighborhood kids that cry to their parents after I beat their asses for ding-dong ditching me. Don't mess with me - I can kick the crap out of any 12 year old!
My 3-year old niece, Karson, has an endless supply of snot and mucus spewing from her nose. And, if it's not flowing, it's dried and crusted up on her face. Don't get me wrong: I love her and her snot is the most special snot I can ever imagine wiping from the face of a small child.
This is not a photo of my niece. It's someone else's niece. I think it's pretty impressive.
Firstly, take note of the horse-shoe shape of the snot, indicating full-throttle snot-face. A single line of snot from the nose is an indication of the child's lack of dedication to the snot-faced movement.
Next, admire the bubble. This is an advanced maneuver, eclipsed only by the snot bubble-snot dribble move in which the snot is expelled, the bubble blown, then more snot released inside the bubble.
Finally, check out the additional bodily fluid being excreted by this child in the form of a line of drool making its way from the mouth to the chin to the bib.
Not sure I have permission to post this. I'll take it down and sulk appropriately if not.
Euro Trash
'Allo, mate, just got back in from a week in London, one of the greatest cities on earth. I have lots of stories and observations, but first I gotta unpack, wash clothes and deal with my jet lag. Here's a short but quick one, though, to whet your appetite:
There are lots of street performers in London (not so much for beggars, tho…? Is it true that the European work ethic is greater than ours?), most of them very talented and entertaining. Rudy and I passed one as he was finishing up and collecting his day’s haul and I noticed that he had overlooked a couple of coins on the sidewalk. I called out to him as I passed “Hey, bro, you missed a few” and pointed to the wayward coins.
“Cheers, mate” he said as he turned back to get the extra coins. As I’m walking away, I hear him call after me
“Never mind: It’s a Euro!”Ta ta for now.
Dude, That’s Gross
Earlier today I was visiting some of the clients I work for. 99% of my clients are lawyers. Some of them work for large, private practice law firms while others work for smaller, “boutique” firms. This day I was visiting one of the giants of the Metroplex.
After making the runs and schmoozing appropriately, I stopped off at the little boy’s room to unhydrate. As I approach the urinal, I can see the feet of someone using one of the stalls. Between his feet, on the floor, is a document. No, it’s not the Dallas Morning News; it’s a stack of papers that someone printed, made notes on and paper clipped together. And this dude’s got it LAYING on the bathroom floor!
Funny how you assume someone with a higher education is also highly educated.
Where’s the FCC when you need them?
Janet Jackson’s “Wardrobe Malfunction” during the MTV-produced half time show at the Super Bowl XXXVIII changed everything (can a number get more complicated?). In fact, I blame Janet’s nipple for George W’s reelection in 2004 because it brought to light the Moral Issues facing our country. Well, maybe the fact that Kerry was a stiff had something to do with it, too, but the Ninja throwing star stapled to Janet’s milker made Conservative American stand up and say “ouch!”
The result was that the F.C.C. started to flex its mighty censorship muscle, frightening television and radio networks into delaying live broadcasts to avoid any massive fines the F.C.C. might levy in the event something even remotely offensive or risqué was uttered. Keep in mind that this is the same F.C.C. that deemed Bono’s statement that “This is fucking awesome” as NOT offensive because he used “fucking” as an adjective, rather than a verb. So, to break it down: The mighty F.C.C. says it’s OK to say “that’s fucking awesome”, but will fine your ass if you say “we’re fucking, that’s awesome”.
I dig the Winter Olympics, and my dig gets deeper every 4 years. The events are way cool, but I really just love the environment at the European venues. Sure, after a while the dinging of the cowbells gets a little obnoxious, but it just feels different than any of the corporate-sponsored events we Americans put on. I also enjoy being humbled on the world’s stage because the US doesn’t win every single event, which, by the way, makes the medals we do win especially sweet.
Oh, I also really dig the sex.
“Sex?” you say? “But it’s cold and all the athletes are bundled up in snow suits and parkas”. True. Except in the figure skating venue, where I’ve seen more sex for free than an evening’s worth of $3.99 pay-per-spank porn from Direc TV.
Mostly, I’m speaking of Ice Dancing, which I have dubbed Ice Porn, and the Jenna Jemeson of Ice Porn, Tanith Balbin. She is HOT. Not to mention, extremely flexible, which is a bonus. And whoever the spare is that’s skating with her is about as relevant as the stiff that’s making funny faces at Jenna. His role is merely one of a prop: just do your job and let the girl sell it.
I noticed that Sasha Cohen was wearing a Camel Toe deflector shield during her final, disastrous program in which she choked away the gold medal. What’s really relevant about that is that such a device exists and that many, in fact most, of the women’s figure skaters forgo the Camel Toe Deflector Shield because they get it: sex sells, and there’s nothing sexier than a woman that’s “accidentally” sexy. BTW, I have heard a lot of debate about whether Sasha is hot or not: Not Hot. She looks like she smells to me. I think she agrees.
I guess it’s a good thing that the stodgy old men that form the Eff Cee Cee are also secretly enjoying the view from the ice skating venue, those dirty bastards. Which makes sense to me, because the conservative, white Republican would rather get his jollies looking at white women prancing around on the ice than see a white man and a “black” woman pantomime foreplay.
