Daveed Reviews

Where’s the FCC when you need them?

Janet Jackson’s “Wardrobe Malfunction” during the MTV-produced half time show at the Super Bowl XXXVIII changed everything (can a number get more complicated?). In fact, I blame Janet’s nipple for George W’s reelection in 2004 because it brought to light the Moral Issues facing our country. Well, maybe the fact that Kerry was a stiff had something to do with it, too, but the Ninja throwing star stapled to Janet’s milker made Conservative American stand up and say “ouch!”

The result was that the F.C.C. started to flex its mighty censorship muscle, frightening television and radio networks into delaying live broadcasts to avoid any massive fines the F.C.C. might levy in the event something even remotely offensive or risqué was uttered. Keep in mind that this is the same F.C.C. that deemed Bono’s statement that “This is fucking awesome” as NOT offensive because he used “fucking” as an adjective, rather than a verb. So, to break it down: The mighty F.C.C. says it’s OK to say “that’s fucking awesome”, but will fine your ass if you say “we’re fucking, that’s awesome”.

I dig the Winter Olympics, and my dig gets deeper every 4 years. The events are way cool, but I really just love the environment at the European venues. Sure, after a while the dinging of the cowbells gets a little obnoxious, but it just feels different than any of the corporate-sponsored events we Americans put on. I also enjoy being humbled on the world’s stage because the US doesn’t win every single event, which, by the way, makes the medals we do win especially sweet.

Oh, I also really dig the sex.

“Sex?” you say? “But it’s cold and all the athletes are bundled up in snow suits and parkas”. True. Except in the figure skating venue, where I’ve seen more sex for free than an evening’s worth of $3.99 pay-per-spank porn from Direc TV.

Mostly, I’m speaking of Ice Dancing, which I have dubbed Ice Porn, and the Jenna Jemeson of Ice Porn, Tanith Balbin. She is HOT. Not to mention, extremely flexible, which is a bonus. And whoever the spare is that’s skating with her is about as relevant as the stiff that’s making funny faces at Jenna. His role is merely one of a prop: just do your job and let the girl sell it.

I noticed that Sasha Cohen was wearing a Camel Toe deflector shield during her final, disastrous program in which she choked away the gold medal. What’s really relevant about that is that such a device exists and that many, in fact most, of the women’s figure skaters forgo the Camel Toe Deflector Shield because they get it: sex sells, and there’s nothing sexier than a woman that’s “accidentally” sexy. BTW, I have heard a lot of debate about whether Sasha is hot or not: Not Hot. She looks like she smells to me. I think she agrees.

I guess it’s a good thing that the stodgy old men that form the Eff Cee Cee are also secretly enjoying the view from the ice skating venue, those dirty bastards. Which makes sense to me, because the conservative, white Republican would rather get his jollies looking at white women prancing around on the ice than see a white man and a “black” woman pantomime foreplay.

posted by daveed @ 7.3.06