Cough Syrup
I have a cough. I bought some cough syrup. The makers of the cough syrup claim it's cherry flavored. I'd rather chug a bottle of the last liquor I did shots of that made me puke than take a swig of this "cherry" flavored gasoline; the only thing "cherry" about it is the color.
The first shot of cough syrup I took last week caught me so off guard with its wretchedness that I popped a nerve in my neck when my head jerked in repulsion. Last time I took the syrup, I did it Jose Quervo shooter style with the salt on the hand and a lime to follow. Nossir, that ain't sippin’ cough syrup!
My cough syrup claims to be both an expectorant and a cough suppressant. Don’t you need to cough in order to expectorate? How do you expectorate if your cough is suppressed? Mostly, I like the fact that this cough syrup makes my coughs “more productive”. I think this is what the American work force needs because I’m tired of the Japanese always beating us in productivity.
Consumer Product Review: Cuisinart Coffee Maker
As I lay in bed this morning, trying to gently wake up Rudy by tooting Revelry through the whistler in my nose created by the chunk of dried snot, my outlook would have been less fun and games had I known the fun and games in store for me over the next few minutes. Eventually, the whistler stopped whistling, so I hustled out of bed before I got accused of blowing a corn flake on Rudy’s side of the bed.
My AM routine is pretty routine: get up, take a dose of anti-crazy pills, go to the kitchen and feed the cat, then get on with making myself as pretty as I can, which is a stretch on most days. This morning, however, was a little different.
I shuffled my way through the kitchen where the cat is always waiting for me to feed her. I usually bend over and scratch my pussy for a few minutes, then fill her bowl up with the Overweight-Cat Purina Formula. This morning, I flicked on the light switch and I noticed the huge, brown mass on the counter top in the general area of the coffee maker. Once again, a few grounds had become clogged in the brew basket and the grounds and the hot water had overflowed onto the counter.
DAMMIT! So, after entertaining myself with my whistler for the first 5 minutes of the day, I spent the next 10 cleaning up after the Cuisinart.
This is not the first time this has happened, and I’m sure it’s not the last. In fact, it used to happen so frequently that we used to put the coffee maker in the sink at night, just in case.
Further irritating me about this $150 coffee maker is that, once the brew cycle has finished, it beeps to let you know. Not once, not twice, not even 3 or 4 times, but
5 times. And it’s not a gentle, soothing “hey, just wanted to let you all know that your coffee’s ready when you are”, but a brash, squawky
“COME AND GET IT!!!!!!!!”So ixnay on the Cuisinart coffee maker. Think I may fork out the G note for the Saeco.
OK, I was Wrong...
I just received a scathing email from some anonymous blog reader about how offensive my comments were to gays and male figures skaters. It went something like this:
"How dare you stereotype us as hairdressers and interior decorators? I happen to be a very successful male flight attendant.”
Another one reads like this:
"Shame on you for stereotyping us as wedding planners! I happen to be a very successful fashion designer.”
While I’m usually right, I am willing to entertain the possibility that I might be wrong from time to time, so I did a little research. Based on my exhaustive studies, I discovered that male figures skaters are
not the only gay people competing at the winter Olympics this year in Torino.
Supposedly, the international style of play is less "clutch-and-grab" than the NHL. Me thinks not
Dude, get a room!
The Ambiguously Gay Duo competing for the Netherlands. I thought they were San Franciscan...?
So, I stand corrected. My apologies to any queens I may have offended.
Introspection
I'm trying to be a full service blogger, so when I came across this the other day, thought I'd share:
My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But, ah, my foes, and oh, my friends --
It gives a lovely light!
--Edna St. Vincent Millay
What we need to fear is not death, but squandering the lives we have been miraculously given. So let me die laughing, savoring one of life's crazy moments. Let me die holding the hand of one I love, and recalling that I tried to love and was loved in return. Let me die remembering that life has been good, and that I did what I could. But today, just remind me that I am dying, so that I can live, savor, and love with all my heart.--the Reverend Mark Morrison-Reed
Tension at the Neighbors
Last night Rudy and I went across the street and had dinner with our neighbors, Ron and Judy. The last time I talked to Ron, it was in my drive way. I was wearing a pink "You're a Fag" t-shirt that my bro made me wear the night of my bachelor party.
I was hot.
Ron kept breaking my horizon and staring at Ponch. I was sure after that moment that he would never talk to me again. I was wrong and we ate diiner with them last night, where he talked to me freely. Needless to say, I wore a slightly more tasteful T last night.
A few minutes after our arrival, Judy offerred me and Rudy each a glass of wine. Not to be rude, we said "Yes, please" and we were presented with a tasty glass of chianti. Ron joined us in the kitchen and filled his glass. Being astute, I asked Judy if she was going to join us.
"No".
"Oh. Do you not like wine or do you not drink?" I ask.
"I don't drink. Anymore. Because I used to drink too much"
Silence from Daveed.
When is a sport not a sport?
Rudy and I have been checking out the winter Olympics this past week. We dig it. All of it. Well, most of it. Curling, skeleton, cross country skiing, it's all cool as hell. I can do without figure skating, although I do like it when the undies the ladies wear become wedgies.
I hear a lot of Americans complaining because the US is not as dominant at the Winter Olympics as we are during the Summer Games. These people obviously don't remember what it was like 20 years ago when we were lucky to see a top 10 in the Ambiguously Gay Duo/2-man bobsled. In fact, the Olympics committee had to Americanize the Winter Games to make it easier for Americans to medal by adding events like the snow board half-pipe and the moguls event. I'd rather see someone like Eric Heiden bust his ass and come out to dominate an event that previously had been owned by the Eastern Bloc than see a pot-smoking snow boarder win the gold, get it stripped for a positive THC test, then get his gold back because it was ruled that Mary Jane does not constitute a "Performance Enhancing Drug". Apparently they have never seen a flock of stoners hit the buffet at Ci-Ci’s pizza.
Easy, Glen, I dig the snow board half-pipe; it just shouldn’t be considered an Olympic Competition.
Men's Figure Skating: The Gayest Sport Ever?
Argument 1 for Gayest Sport Ever:Any sport that involves judges is not a competition, it’s an exhibition, and exhibitions don’t have winners and losers, they have fan favorites and more fan favorites. If the casual observer can't tell the difference between a well executed death spiral or a quad-triple combo, if there are international judges that can be "influenced" it ain't no competition.
When I watch speed skating or ski jumping, I can tell that one guy crossed the line before the other or that he jumped 1 meter longer than the next guy. In figure skating, it’s the same dudes doing the same move to different music and being judged on their execution and artistry. Therefore, not a sport, it’s a exhibition.
Look at this man: Gay or Not Gay?
Argument 2 for Gayest Sport ever:
Never has a group of men tried so hard to be feminine, from the costumes to the hand gestures to the "musical interpretation". Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Really. Anyone that knows me knows that I’m the farthest thing from a ‘phobe. I mean, without fags, imagine where we would be as far as hair styles, interior decorating and wedding planning go.
I Wish I Were VP
That way I could shoot people without having to own up to it and I could rob state and county governments of income by illegally participating in activities that require a license.
Hell, maybe if Big Dick had a license he would know not to shoot at a bird when a non-insurgent human is standing between you and the target.
PS: If the secret service would like to question me regarding my muslim heritage or political beliefs, please contact me through this blog.
Am I a Bad Influence on my Dad?
Halloween, 2005
Not really sure what he's trying to accomplish with the make up, but he looks hot. That's my brother, the child raping priest (aka Andrew), checking out the old goat's technique.
Happy Birthday!
2/1 Peter
2/5 Chris and Bretttt
2/6 Casey and Roxanne
2/8 Robbie
2/10 JD
2/12 G$
Not like we need a reason to get together and go out, but it was good to get together and go out.
