Daveed Reviews

Ker-Plunk!

Taking a dump in jolly old England is not quite as easy as it is here in the good old US of A. “What?” you say; “Isn’t a dump a dump?” Well, it is and it isn’t. Yes, in both countries the bowels move, the sphincter clenches and wriggles and excrement is passed from the starfish. It’s once the poo leaves the friendly confines of my body and hits the air where things change, and not necessarily for the better.

I’m NOT one of those guys that thinks everything’s better here in the US, that the entire world should be exactly like it is here. On lots of things, I think the Brits got us beat – not to mention some other countries.

Take beer, for instance. Americans like that watered down crap that is served so cold you can’t taste how crappy it is, while the beer in England is served around 50 degrees so you can actually taste the ingredients. And the drinking age in the UK is 18. Only makes sense that someone that is old enough to enlist in the military and die for his or her country should be allowed to imbibe when they are on leave.

Now, back to my bowels.



The toilets in England are deep, cavernous pits with only a few inches of water in the bottom. Making a deposit is a lot like a high diver thats builds speed as he plummets towards the 5 gallon bucket of water. The crowd oos and ahs, waiting for the inevitable ker-plunk and the plume of water that jets upward from whence the diver came. No matter how I squirmed and tried to reposition myself on the seat, bow or aft, starboard or whatever, there was no way to avoid the back splash, and toilet water is the grossest type of backsplash I can think of. I even contemplated squatting over the seat like a woman in a porta-pot, but decided that was too gay, even for me.



My first instinct was that they are conserving water in the UK, so they fill their bowls with as little water as needed to allow for a target. That theory was quickly blown out of the water (HA!) the first time I flushed and a torrent of water, much like you would see when white-water rafting, came rushing through the plumbing. No, there’s no courtesy flush in England, unless the idea of a bidet-like purging is appealing to you. The only flushing experience more frightening is done at altitude in an airplane, where I hold on to the handicap rail when I do flush for fear of being sucked out of the plane and dropped over the Atlantic.

So memo to the limeys: a little more depth to the pool and a little less on the flush will make for a lot less ker-plunk.

posted by daveed @ 3.4.06